But then there is more to it than that. Sophia's eyes are approximately tracking to my point with her penguin emblazoned zoo member t-shirt and her soon to be trademarked cap on her head, the actual head covering would vary through the years from baseball caps, a Pokemon knit hat, a few different canvas bucket hats, and one always memorable frog bucket hat that she wore in a rather upscale bistro while on a college visit in Savannah Georgia, to her current knit beanie. ZMan is perched on my back, reliant on me, a sort of point force, for his direction and movement, as we have stepped off the trail for a moment to take in the view of something. Yes, something. I have absolutely no memory of what I was trying to point out to my children in this picture. A bird? A fallen tree? Something I found notable enough to stop to step of the trail a few steps and take a moment to point out before continuing.
This was a picture taken BA - Before Autism. Now, of course, autism existed in the world long before this afternoon outing in the woods, I had even experienced it firsthand as a teenager in a summer project. But this was before I had any idea what was to come , how it would personally impact everyone in this picture. This photo was taken while I was a woman with a career, a graduate degree, a family, a husband, my beautiful children, a home, friends, a new minivan, organic produce in the fridge and a hand me down Keurig. Yep- the whole kit and kaboodle. I was making the right decisions and the right things were happening. I had God and so many others by my side, and it showed.
I never envisioned myself a fast food worker, family having receded, a single parent, with more virtual relations than in person ones, relying on a system, a 10 year old (albeit fantastic and beloved) Toyota minivan approaching 200,000 miles, who strives to have fresh produce as often as possible in a fridge that uses a bicycle lock to contain the items in it for when needed as opposed to targets of OCD behaviors, and a French press that may or may not have been used as a drinking vessel as opposed to a pouring vessel, as designed, with two children with variant forms of neurology from the "norm" and my own variant and disability being discovered in the process of trying to forge a path for them.
I have definitely stepped off the trail. It has been harrowing. It will be harrowing. It might even be harrowing right now. And through the strain, anxiety and tension of any of these moments, I am attempting to guide those two beautiful human beings, just as I always have, back on the trail with its many twists and turns, but without losing sight of the fact that some of the most beautiful things that exist in this world of ours are often only experienced when not expected, when not intended, when you simply come upon them, and off the beaten path.
