A Note on Dread: Just Do It

I have recently received many comments of consolation regarding my unfortunate tooth issues leading up to my recent root canal. As many of you may recall, this tooth issue first occured right after I managed to cracked my tooth from clenching my teeth last October when we first realized Zach had autism.

I was not expecting such outpouring of sympathy over my (stupid) tooth. I guarantee you, although it hurt like hell, it no where felt or feels like the sadness in my heart over what is going on with Zach. I would gladly live with that pain if it meant Zach miraculously could be back to his old self.

So why is it that people had no problem reaching out to me over my tooth - but not the ordeal we have been going through this past year? There are two things that come to mind when pondering this thought: 1) people can relate to a hurting tooth, people don't all have children with special needs, 2) a hurting tooth is most likely treatable/fixable, uh autism, not so much, at least that's what most people think.

Well, I almost felt like telling people to take a hike when they showed me sympathy. I certainly wasn't expecting it, and it almost irritated me. I guess I now realize that I don't want sympathy with any of what's going on with us, what I want is understanding, consideration, contact with others, a helping hand once in awhile.

A recently heard a story of a woman coming back to her hometown of Syracuse, and being asked to visit a family friend whose husband had a freak accident and is now left a quadriplegic. This is a man who was a well respected doctor in the area and had many a friend prior to his accident. The woman was dreading going to visit, but felt obligated to.

There is a switch that most people don't likely flip in their lives that results in a different approach to this problem. No one likes that someone is having difficulty in their life. If it is something you yourself have not gone through, the unknown is very scary. If I had to hammer out a guess a person with a lack of introspection and who has been blessed with little struggle in their life will likely run the other way. A person who is familiar with loss, or true soul reaching pain, will know that it's only an hour of their life and will attend.

I once heard someone thank a friend for visiting a near death woman at the hospital. What I didn't expect was to hear the person respond in kind that they were grateful to have been their to comfort such nice people. This remark has always stayed with me. Was the experience pleasant? Well, I am sure it wasn't like going out for ice cream. However, much of the time the life we lead is not the reality of our existence. It is the filler. Things that cause us to have meaning in our lives are these exact significant events, uncomfortable as they are, they are what give us meaning. We still like going out for ice cream. In fact, it tastes even better now that we truly acknowledge that simple pleasures are indeed a blessing to be cherished as much as the great new sports car or trip to Hawaii.

In the Catholic diocese which I was raised, we were mandated to perform community service as a requirement for confirmation into the church. Guess what I did? Worked with the retarded and autistic. Yup. Used to come home crying because of how dire the situation was for some of the kids. Also had to teach how to make grilled cheese for some of the older students who were learning life skills. The funny part of the story was that I had never made one for myself before! (Mom hated us in the kitchen to cook.) I also taught a few students how to take the city bus and purchase items at the farmer's market. Being from suburbia I barely knew how to do this myself. I will always remember that time. I was proud of the work I had done and used to share my stories with others frequently.

Avoiding someone because of what they are facing? Well, my recommendation is don't. You will be cherished for making the effort, feel better about yourself, and will be doing the will of that which created us.

Did I happen to mention I am dreading Zach's upcoming IEP meeting on Monday? Wish us luck.